“Should” is a 4-letter word

Of all the profane, useless, disempowering words in the human language, “should” is the worst — especially when we use it on ourselves.

“I should do such and such” immediately throws us into a space of using a criteria outside of ourselves to make a decision. When we say “should,” we’re really saying, “there’s a rule of expected behavior, and if I want to be accepted by others, I must follow that rule.”

Stop for a moment and think of a time when you made yourself do something because it was something that you should do. Maybe it was that you should visit your family during the holidays, when what you really yearned to do was take a vacation to the islands. Maybe it was that you should agree to be on the PTA of your child’s school (because all the other parents are doing it… because the teachers would look more favorably upon your child… because your neighbor thinks it would look good on your resume…) when what you really want to do is have a free evening to yourself. Maybe it was that you should go to your doctor to have something “healed,” (because your mother insists on it), when what you really want to do is honor your body, give it some extra rest, and let it heal itself.

This list, of course, could go on and on and on. In fact, for most of us, it repeats many times a day, every day — that profane word bouncing around in our heads, dictating our actions. The good news is that just an awareness of when you’re saying “should” to yourself, and the reasons behind it, can make a big difference in your life. You’ll see.

A “should” is always spoken by a voice outside of ourselves. Who says that you should spend the holidays with your family, and why? Maybe it’s because that’s what a “good” son or daughter/brother or sister would do? Maybe your family members and society will regard you as “good” if you spend the holidays with your family?

Why should you go to the doctor for something you consider to be minor? Because society tells you that the doctor knows more about your body than you do? Because it would be safer to have your illness checked out, just in case it’s something more serious that you couldn’t possibly detect because you don’t have an x-ray machine?

Why do we do this to ourselves? The answer: Social conditioning. The “voices of authority” that surround us have been telling us what to do since we were born. Our parents, teachers, religious leaders, political leaders, peers, newscasters, talk show hosts, and the ubiquitous “They” have been telling us what’s right and what’s wrong. We’ve been conditioned to believe in the validity of the Outside Voice more than the Inner Voice. But it doesn’t have to remain that way. In each and every “should” situation, there’s an Inner Voice that has a different message. And it’s our choice which one to listen to.

The simplest way to do this is to replace any “should” with “could.” You could join the PTA at your child’s school, and you can choose either to do it or not to do it. Just that simple substitution of a single word allows you to assess the situation, taking into account not only the Outside Voice but the Inner Voice within you. There are probably many reasons to either join the PTA or not, but the important point here is that, once you stop to consider the options, it’s your choice. Releasing yourself from the restrictiveness of “should” can be incredibly empowering. It also gives you great practice at listening to the Inner Voice, which will be beneficial in so many areas of your life.

Go ahead — give it a try. Every time you hear yourself say, “I should do this,” change it to, “I could do this, and I choose…”